The most-important rule in football: White wide receivers must only be compared to other WWRs

It’s late during the Bengals-Ravens game on Sunday – a contest that would eventually be won by Cincinnati – and former NFL quarterback and current CBS color broadcaster Rich Gannon couldn’t help himself.

“I tell you what,” Gannon said. “This Jordan Shipley reminds me of a young Wes Welker.”

And with that, we bring you this week’s public service announcement:

(“The More You Know” music from NBC playing in the background…)

As a football fan or announcer, whenever you happen to be discussing a white wide receiver, you must only compare him with another white wide receiver. This is a rule of society that we must all follow. You must never compare a white wide receiver with a black wide receiver or you will immediately lose your credentials as a fan or reporter in the know.

Your friends will ridicule you, your family will disown you, and all you were trying to say was that Jordan Shipley isn’t the same type of player as Wes Welker. But give it a rest, smart guy. Even if their games aren’t similar, it’s still a rule that a WWR can be compared to any other WWR.

Brian Hartline=Steve Largent? One might not think so, but it’s true. Just the fact that they are both white wide receivers who played or currently play in the NFL is enough to compare them.

Austin Collie and Kevin Walter? I can’t even tell them apart. Are they twins?

And it’s a shame Joe Jurevicius is no longer in the game. Talk about another guy that was a carbon copy of Wes Welker. Same height and all!

As a veteran of several years in the NFL, Gannon knows how things work. So, when given the chance to compare Shipley to another WWR, he jumped on it. That’s called seizing the moment, people.

(Publisher’s note: A similar rule also applies to black quarterbacks: Black quarterbacks must only be compared to other black quarterbacks. Often you will hear announcers compare a mobile black quarterback to Warren Moon [who was a statue, but a fantastic pocket passer] and your first reaction might be to yell at the TV, “They are nothing alike other than the color of their skin and the position they play!”

But, again, take logic out of this you Harvard-grad-wannabee. Troy Smith reminded me a lot of Drew Brees as a college player. However, one day I made the mistake of saying that out loud, and I nearly lost my job, wife, kids and pets all in one moment. Alas, I was able to convince them I was just kidding and that I would never make the mistake of comparing a black quarterback with a white quarterback. [I was completely serious of course when I made the comparison, but I decided it wasn’t worth being homeless over.] These are the tough decisions that each football fan must make for his or her self.

But the bottom line is that if you want to be a valuable member of our society, you must only compare white wide receivers with other WWRs, and only compare black quarterbacks with other BQBs. Thank you and we now return you to your regularly-scheduled reading.)